I Hate Everything.

except now I’m hung over

Figiel’s going away party yesterday was great. Chuck E. Cheese went super well, lots of people came to Delaware, and the party at Brandon’s was so much fun.

Adam apologized to me for everything that happened and I’m really happy he did. Adrien said he thought Adam was a good guy, too, and I’m glad he likes Adam.

Adrien also told me that he loved me last night. He said he was drawn to me.

I told him I loved him too, and I meant it.

Yesterday was good.

Adrien met my mom and Dave today and they really liked him. I’m so glad.

We went over to Dave’s for a bite to eat before we went to Caz and just hung out, then we went back after. My mom was still there and so was Dave’s friend Matt and the three guys just played guitar together, it was really great.

We came back to my house and watched “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix for a little while, but then I heard Matt sobbing downstairs, so I went to check on him.

His girlfriend whom he loves very much broke up with him and he was crying his eyes out. I talked him down as much as I could then fixed him some chocolate chip pancakes. Adrien helped me. He even talked to Matt while I cooked.

Adrien kept telling me I was “such a good sister” for taking care of Matt.

Tonight, even though Matt is sad, was good.

I’ll probably talk to Matt in a few days when he calms down a little.

i just want to lay in bed with Adrien forever

so I pooped four times yesterday

FOUR

TIMES

Yesterday, last night and today with Adrien were good. We went to the Botanical Gardens, got some pita and hummus at Caz, then went back to his place, smoked a bowl and made crepes.

Then we watched LOTR with his roommates, smoked another bowl, then put on The Fresh Prince.

Violet had never seen it before, omg, it was so perfect. We all rapped the theme song together except for her lol

Then all day today Adrien and I stayed in bed together. Then we smoked and he watched The Big Lebowski with me for the first time.

It was great.

I spent the night with Adrien again last night.

We got stoned but then I started having an anxiety attack because I felt weird around his roommates, even though they were all so nice.

He took me back to his room when he noticed how bad I was shaking and didn’t make a big deal about it; he just said he needed to work on his article (which he did and I felt bad for distracting him). He laid down in his bed with me and just held me and whispered to me about everything and anything. He told me he thought I was beautiful and I had nothing to have anxiety over, he kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my nose and my lips until I stopped shaking and calmed down.

He went downstairs and made us tea so we could relax and I fell half-asleep next to him while he wrote. Then he closed his computer and leaned down to kiss me and I started to wake up, so we made love. It was so beautiful and wonderful.

We both passed out and we slept in until he had to get up and write more. I stayed asleep in his bed and woke up with his roommate’s cats lying with me, it was so cute.

I’m spending the night there again tomorrow night. We’re going to the botanical gardens and then he asked me to lay out a few tracks on flute for a song his band is writing.

I really really like this guy and where this relationship is going and how it feels.

Adrien is messaging me on facebook from work and he was complaining a little about how tired he was, and when I apologized for keeping him up so late last night he said, “yeah, you should be! how dare you make love to me and cuddle with me for hours on end.”

He said “make love.” He didn’t say “how dare you fuck me” or “how dare you have sex with me.” He said “how dare you make love to me.”

I feel like he and I were supposed to meet so he can fix me and so I can make him happy. 

My head keeps going back to last night.

Adrien makes me feel alive.

Legitimately alive, more than I’ve felt for months.

I think I met someone.

He makes me happy. His name is Adrien.

He goes to UB and is 22. He’s a journalist/DJ/musician.

He’s also the head of UB’s marijuana law reform movement.

I spent the night with him last night. We went to see 420: The Musical because he’s writing an article about it. Then we went to a party at his place and crashed together and we had sex but it was so beautiful.

After we saw the musical and talked to the cast and director and everything, we were back in his car getting ready to leave and he asked me if I had thought of it as a date. I told him yes, and he says, “Can I kiss you?”

We laid in his bed together after we made love and just looked at each other. We touched each others’ faces, shoulders, arms, legs, stomachs, everything. We just laid there memorizing each other with our fingers and immersing ourselves in each others’ eyes.

Everything felt so comfortable with Adrien, so good and so safe and so right.

We’ve got another date on Wednesday.

I’m so fucking hungry all the god damn time

and my internet keeps being a dick and pissing me off

I miss Adam

My mom’s treating me like shit again

I want weed

the usual

I texted Adam and apologized. He told me it wasn’t all my fault. He told me to stop writing about then stroking his ego. Then he told me not to apologize anymore.

Point taken.

I don’t know what else to say to him except for “I’m sorry,” though. I never do, because always, I’m not good enough, and I AM sorry for that.

Now he knows I’m not good enough, too, and wants nothing to do with me.

I can’t say I blame him.

A good-looking, tall, intelligent boy from St. Francis likes me.

dsfkjh;salkhganf

You’d Probably Lie and Say You Liked These Lyrics (I Think They’re Great)

Copy all the songs I’ve ever loved in search of my own voice
My handwriting never even stays the same
Inspiration hides from me at every single turn
Spend my days playing pretend; asleep

I saw you in my dream
Nothing extraordinary
An ordinary exchange
Or one that would have been

“Let’s practice soon”

Working ‘til I bleed to be as good as anyone else
Turning my skin black, maybe I’ll impress
Read until I die and write until I breathe again
Spend my nights in more than one kind of darkness

I saw you in my dream
Nothing extraordinary
An ordinary exchange
Or one that would have been

“Let’s practice soon”

My handwriting changes with the pen

remember when I thought I felt okay about not having Adam in my life?

yeah

I was wrong